Looking for anniversary destination

Hi there... We're planning on spending our 25th wedding anniversary in the South Pacific for a week in August... There are SO many islands. We have no idea where to begin. We are a modest couple and on a very limited budget. I hear luxury in the Pacific comes on a budget. This is what we have to have for our sojourn. We are not fussy, but we like a bit of comfort and here is our criteria. We're really excited!!

Thanks in advance, everyone!

1. First of all, we are looking for this. The sand MUST be blinding white and the texture like that of cake flour. No sand particles over .05mm permitted. There must be no broken coral, dead sea animals, debris or rubbish of any kind within eyeshot. No imperfections permitted. At least one coconut palm must overhang the beach. (see previous image.) A swing from that coconut would be nice, but not a necessity. We would like to be somewhere where the sea smells like "AlgaMarine bath bubbles" bubble bath... We don't like that fishy sea smell.
A beach slope of no more than 3% is wanted. Distance from vegetated land to sea (at high tide)? No more than 5m. Please no more than 6m at low tide. The sea must be swimmable at ALL tides. No waves either.

2. Accomodation on this "perfect beach" must be luxurious... Aircon.... set at 20C... And at that temperature when we arrive. Hot water? (of course!) Temperature set at 70C., White Egyptian cotton towels and linens.. No less than 400 threadcount for the sheets... Italian marble in the bathroom.. preferably Cararra marble. (Australian will do in a pinch, I guess), LowBoy toilets. Serta mattresses on the bed..Extra firm and Queen Size, please. Maid service daily and when we are out (We do NOT want to ever lay eyes on her!)... wet bar with a wide selection of soft drinks, premium liquours, beers and wine... Oh, and snacks too, please...WiFi and mobile phone access. . Amount of time to make internet connection? No more than 12 seconds. Distance from the French doors to the water? 6m. This beach must face west for sunsets... Is there any chance one can see natives going by in their outriggers just as the sun is setting? Will these natives be singing lovely South Seas songs?... in 4 part harmony of course and no closer than 50m from our veranda.

3. We want total privacy. Distance to next villa? At least 20 m. Absolutely no resort infrastructure should ever be seen, heard or smelled. Generators must be invisible and soundless. No maintainance vehicles or personel must ever be seen. The grounds must look like this. with a few more Bougainvillia, Allamanda and Frangapani than the photo shows... The Frangapani MUST be blooming. (preferrable by bedroom window)

4. We would like a social situation, but only on their terms. (We like to drink and party, but we want to decide when the lights go off and the noise stops). The company must be witty, ecclectic and charming, although somewhat conservative... An hour discussion on America's woes are a MUST and a yarn about the ongoing Australia/New Zealand rivalry would be fun. There must be a bar that can make good cocktails. The bartender must know how to make Cosmopolitans, Singapore Slings, Mai Tais and the beer must never be over 4.5C. The bartender and servers MUST have their teeth. No smelly, dirty haired, culturally enept backpackers hanging around... PLEASE! No wealthy, pretentious travellers either. We just want "nice" folks to visit with. Bar overlooking the sea or over the beach is preferred... Misting fans are a must if the bar is in the sun... No drunken sessions, guitar playing or noise from staff/guests after we retire, please.

5. We are hoping there will be tour opportunities.... We would like to see caves, waterfalls (with at least 400 cubic metres/second flow and a minimum of a 30m drop), wildlife (An opportunity to see elephants, lions, tigers and pandas in the wild would be super!). We do not wish to experience any native poverty or urban areas... The tour bus should have blinds in the cases that we have to go through blighted areas. Air con no more or less than 22C. The driver must not stop and pick up a tuna for his dinner. Smiling, uniformed school children waving at us as we drive by is always charming. It would be great if we could just drive by slowly to hear some church singing (have heard the music is incredible in the islands) but we do not want to step foot in one.
Markets are okay as long as there are no odours or people without teeth. We would like to be able to buy every imaginable, delectable tropical fruit. As we are watching our money, haggling for inexpensive handicrafts is a must... We would like to see at least one fire show... Are there any that don't use Kerosene? It smells awful and makes Ian sick.

5. We want fabulous snorkelling of Jacque Cousteau calibre within a few metres of that perfect beach... The coral reef must look like this., but with more fishes, of course. NO DEAD CORAL!!! Snorkellable reef must start at preferably 6.2m from the shore line. A depth of 2.4 m is preferred... Water clarity? 30 m. if you please. Number of exotic fish species to be seen in one half hour snorkelling session? At least 50. A School of Moorish Idols and some "Nemos" must be within sight at ALL times. They must be able to maneuver on hand command. One sea turtle (hopefully a Leatherback) must also be seen within this timeframe. Nothing slithery, though. And nothing with big teeth or stingers either, thank you very much. We don't really want to see Coke bottles, jandals or nappies on the reef.

6. We would like perfect weather.... sun, just enough breeze (wind speeds must not exceed 10 km/hr...Absolutely no gusts), no clouds (well, a few towering Cumulo Nimbus on the horizon always adds a nice tropical touch but nothing to block the sunshine)... Temperatures between 24 and 27C during the day... no more than 22C at night. Relative humidity not about 30 or 40% at those temperatures. Rain at night is okay, but not too much.

7. We want FINE dining, please... no local stuff. At dinner in the evening the tableside chef must be able to make something with flames. Although we adore seafood, the fish must NOT be served with its head and fins... Nothing raw, please. Aussie beef should be on the menu. There should be a decent salad bar. Buffets are okay as long as there are ice scuptures and a chocolate fountain at the dessert table... No Spag Bol, white bread or sausages, please. Extensive wine selection preferred... French, Italian, German and California labels. No Kiwi or Aussie crap. A pleasant dining experience would be as good as gold.

8. We want the locals to be dressed in native costume, singing and doing whatever it is that natives do. If the natives are not performing or serving, then the natives should not be visible. If we do see them, they must smile and have all their teeth.

9. All the natives MUST be able to speak English fluently and be able to discuss ALL subjects that us punters wish to discuss if the opportunity has it that they're around. (The woman who showed you how to open a coconut this morning must also be able to discuss Globalization, world politics and genetic engineering in the afternoon if need be.)

10. There must be no insects, reptiles or rodents of any kind.... anywhere....ever. Frigate birds, parrots,and other colourful avian fauna is appreciated... Well, except for roosters.

We would like this for 100 NZ dollars or less a day if possible..

Thanks so much,

Bernice and Ian
Christchurch, NZ

Take a couple of Valium and keep dreaming, that's the only place you'll find something like this in the South Pacific!

WOW! I hope this is a joke!

Well, I think it's a joke and a good one!

It takes all the 'musts' of every poster looking for perfection and rolls them into one.

There's a place which seems to have most of your requirements being promoted on this branch at the moment - called something like Uprising ( or DownSizing??)

awesome
particularly like the reference to having teeth

The funny thing is that I guess all of us could at least imagine that someone means this seriously ...

Stay home, keep taking your hallucienogens, and keep that attitude out of my south Pacific!

I'm partial to folks who have all their teeth, too.

Laughing my head off! Love it!Ohh.... you've made my night!

Just a thought---Suwarrow in the Cooks might be perfect for your situtation. Have a boat drop you off, and let us know what is what like when (and if!) you ever get back!

I'm picking your budget is around SAT100 per day.

Fabulous sense of humour, thanks so much for the laughs :)

As this thread has been so helpful I'm bumping it up.